actually, I'm a sock model
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I deserve this hangover.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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