I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
