dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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