I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
