ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
