I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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