I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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