The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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