i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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