he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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