I can't breathe out the right side of my face
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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