1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
