Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
