A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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