I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
