i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
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