Taylor Swift is so right about you.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
What drink are we having for lunch?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
