I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
