I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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