Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Randomize
