i just sold back the books i vomitted on
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize