Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
