I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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