there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
