she woke up with a sticky ear
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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