I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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