Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
