Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
