Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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