...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
