i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
