Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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