I think my fart just growled at me.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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