you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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