I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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