There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Randomize
