I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
