i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
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