Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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