dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
