If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Randomize
