the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
