I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
