I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Randomize
