So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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