I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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