Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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