god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
if only i could text you this smell
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
