I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
