I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
