He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
