I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
