I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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