I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
There's always time for handjobs
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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