I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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