You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
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