you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
