So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
All I want is dick and wine.
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