I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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