Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize