I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
