I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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