Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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