No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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